Got a minute? Good. Uh, have a seat. I’d like to have a quick chat.
Look, you and I both know that we have a bit of a migrant problem. And by “migrant problem” I mean “thousands of desperate refugees escaping a bloody, five-year civil war that has likely claimed more than 300,000 lives.” But hey, you say “tomato,” I say “soul-crushing tragedy.” Semantics, right?
But I’m afraid you’re starting to have a bit of an image problem, too. You see, while some EU countries welcome the refugees, you are—how do I put this—acting like a bit of a dick.
Wait. Don’t get upset. I’m not saying you are a dick.
I’m just saying that when European Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker suggests introducing quotas to accommodate the refugees and you respond by saying that quotas are not “something you care for” and insist that you have an opt-out of EU’s refugee policies, you look like a bit of a dick. When exhausted refugees get to your borders and you turn them around, you look like a bit of a dick. When you straight up block all highways and rail traffic from Germany to stem the passage of refugees to Sweden, you look like a bit of a dick.
When you take out ad space in Lebanese newspapers to tell potential refugees about your strict asylum policies in order to discourage them from ever coming to the country and holy crap, I can’t believe you actually did that! Jesus Christ, Denmark. Fuck! What are you even d–
I’m sorry, I lost my temper. My apologies. But do you see how that makes you look like a dick?!
So what I’m saying is: Maybe turn that down a notch?
Now, don’t get me wrong. I totally get it. We can’t possibly find physical space for all those refugee hordes here. I can barely find an extra seat on the train to put my feet up on the way to work. Now I suddenly have to share that space with an actual person?! Not on my watch!
Plus those refugees are from mystical, foreign lands, and if we know anything at all about foreigners it’s that they are automatically inferior to us and are totally incapable of ever grasping our progressive concepts like democracy, capitalism, and paranoid xenophobia. They have their own savage goals like “finding a place to sleep,” “having a roof over their heads,” and “not dying.” We’ll never see eye to eye.
And don’t even get me started on how much money we’d have to spend on all those refugees. Sure, Denmark, you may be among the richest countries in the world, but you’re not the richest, right? Why should you take responsibility?!
I can already hear some silly hippies with their silly words: “We have more money than we need. We can all help. You don’t need a second car or a new TV.” But if I can’t buy a TV for my bathroom, then how am I supposed to watch those adorable cat videos while sitting on the toilet? By using my smartphone? Honestly, have you seen how tiny a smartphone screen is? It’s minuscule! I can barely tell whether I’m looking at cats or some furry blobs making meowing noises. Nobody should be made to suffer that kind of injustice.
So yeah, it’s clear that you can’t do much to help those refugees. I’m not suggesting you start acting all compassionate or human or something. But maybe you can at least pretend? Maybe take in a few thousand more refugees, if only to make those smug Swedes look less high and mighty with their generous refugee policies? Maybe don’t actively punish your own citizens for helping drive refugees across a bridge? Maybe save money on printing ads in foreign newspapers and use that money for sensitivity training instead?
It’s like this. You can keep acting the way you do and be this Hungarian camerawoman:
Or you can clean up your image a bit by being more like these Germans:
I know it’s tough, but I’m sure you have it in you. Can you try and make an effort? For me? Thanks!
I’m glad we had this talk. Now go out there and make me proud!
And hey—Denmark—don’t act like such a dick anymore, okay?