Denmark, we need to talk…

September 10, 2015Daniel Nest 65 Comments

Hey, Denmark.

Got a minute? Good. Uh, have a seat. I’d like to have a quick chat.

Look, you and I both know that we have a bit of a migrant problem. And by “migrant problem” I mean “thousands of desperate refugees escaping a bloody, five-year civil war that has likely claimed more than 300,000 lives.” But hey, you say “tomato,” I say “soul-crushing tragedy.” Semantics, right?

But I’m afraid you’re starting to have a bit of an image problem, too. You see, while some EU countries welcome the refugees, you are—how do I put this—acting like a bit of a dick.

Wait. Don’t get upset. I’m not saying you are a dick.

I’m just saying that when European Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker suggests introducing quotas to accommodate the refugees and you respond by saying that quotas are not “something you care for” and insist that you have an opt-out of EU’s refugee policies, you look like a bit of a dick. When exhausted refugees get to your borders and you turn them around, you look like a bit of a dick. When you straight up block all highways and rail traffic from Germany to stem the passage of refugees to Sweden, you look like a bit of a dick.

When you take out ad space in Lebanese newspapers to tell potential refugees about your strict asylum policies in order to discourage them from ever coming to the country and holy crap, I can’t believe you actually did that! Jesus Christ, Denmark. Fuck! What are you even d–

I’m sorry, I lost my temper. My apologies. But do you see how that makes you look like a dick?!

So what I’m saying is: Maybe turn that down a notch?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I totally get it. We can’t possibly find physical space for all those refugee hordes here. I can barely find an extra seat on the train to put my feet up on the way to work. Now I suddenly have to share that space with an actual person?! Not on my watch!

Plus those refugees are from mystical, foreign lands, and if we know anything at all about foreigners it’s that they are automatically inferior to us and are totally incapable of ever grasping our progressive concepts like democracy, capitalism, and paranoid xenophobia. They have their own savage goals like “finding a place to sleep,” “having a roof over their heads,” and “not dying.” We’ll never see eye to eye.

And don’t even get me started on how much money we’d have to spend on all those refugees. Sure, Denmark, you may be among the richest countries in the world, but you’re not the richest, right? Why should you take responsibility?!

I can already hear some silly hippies with their silly words: “We have more money than we need. We can all help. You don’t need a second car or a new TV.” But if I can’t buy a TV for my bathroom, then how am I supposed to watch those adorable cat videos while sitting on the toilet? By using my smartphone? Honestly, have you seen how tiny a smartphone screen is? It’s minuscule! I can barely tell whether I’m looking at cats or some furry blobs making meowing noises. Nobody should be made to suffer that kind of injustice.

So yeah, it’s clear that you can’t do much to help those refugees. I’m not suggesting you start acting all compassionate or human or something. But maybe you can at least pretend? Maybe take in a few thousand more refugees, if only to make those smug Swedes look less high and mighty with their generous refugee policies? Maybe don’t actively punish your own citizens for helping drive refugees across a bridge? Maybe save money on printing ads in foreign newspapers and use that money for sensitivity training instead?

It’s like this. You can keep acting the way you do and be this Hungarian camerawoman:

Or you can clean up your image a bit by being more like these Germans:

I know it’s tough, but I’m sure you have it in you. Can you try and make an effort? For me? Thanks!

I’m glad we had this talk. Now go out there and make me proud!

And hey—Denmark—don’t act like such a dick anymore, okay?

If you’re in Denmark, here’s a bunch of stuff you can do to help refugees. If you’re not in Denmark, you can help as well.

In case of emergency…just chill, dude

March 28, 2015Daniel Nest 14 Comments

I was in the metro the other day.

As is the custom in all public transport, there was an emergency brake hidden in plain sight. Which is to say, not hidden at all.

Because I’m the type of person who’ll take pictures of the most mundane things, I snapped this photo:

Nice composition. Good lighting effects.

A pretty standard emergency brake deal, right?

But then…suspense…music crescendos…a sudden twist! Let’s take a closer look at the instructions:

Notice anything off?

No, not that. That’s just Danish alphabet. How judgmental of you!

Here, let me help:

See it now? Good!

Isn’t it a bit…man, you still haven’t seen it, have you?

I’m talking about this:

The train will stop at the next station?!

Que?!

So let me get this straight: When I pull this emergency brake, it just gently reminds the train to please stop at the next station?

It’s a goddamn emergency brake. Shouldn’t it stop the moment you pull it? Nobody ever calls 911 to have a leisurely chat about when it would be most convenient for the next available police officer to pay a visit to their house and deal with the pesky “homicidal maniac” situation. Do they?

I would sort of understand the logic behind this brake if it were placed in an express train that skips a bunch of stations. But here’s the deal: The Copenhagen metro already stops at every single station. And these stations are no more than 2 minutes apart.

What’s your agenda here, Metro?

Oh! Oooooh! I see what this is. You’re just hoping someone mistakes it for an emergency hammer and starts to assemble their IKEA furniture directly in the train, don’t you? That’s when your staff shows up and “fines” them for “misuse,” right? Nice little racket you’ve got going on there, Metro. Bet you didn’t expect me to crack the puzzle so quickly. I’m on to you! I’ll be watching you from now on, with your fake “emergency brakes” and your oppressive “public decency” rules.

On second thought…I may be reading a bit too much into this. It’s probably a perfectly normal emergency brake that’s just learned to slow down and enjoy life. Maybe we can all learn a thing or two from it.

22 more WTF Danish Halloween costumes

October 28, 2014Daniel Nest 17 Comments

Ah, Halloween! The one day of the year when you can justify running out into the streets completely naked by calling it a costume. Uh…hypothetically. I wouldn’t know anything about being nude in Copenhagen’s main square on October 31 of last year. That’s slander and lies. Or, as the police records refer to it, “indecent exposure.” Hypothetical police records.

As always, Halloween brings with it shenanigans, festivities, and a bunch of silly, silly costumes. And many of the costumes available in Denmark proudly earn their place in the “WTF” category. I’ve already done this once before, but repetition is the mother of existential horror. So journey with me into the land of utter madness that is the Danish Halloween costume scene.

22. Naked Man

A very authentic rendering of the male body. The level of detail here is unmatched. The carefully organized chest hair. The oversized, saggy skin that hangs loosely off the body. The giant crotch-eating worm with an Afro that’s attached itself to the man’s genitals (you can’t unsee it now).

21. Fat Killer Clown

Eventually, Ronald McDonald realizes that the real killer all along was the diabetes brought about by rampant fast food consumption.

20. Santa Skin Suit

“Ho ho ho! Meeeeerry Christmas, kids. You will never guess what’s inside the bag!”

“Actually, Santa, we don’t really want to kn–”

“It’s my face.”

19. Super Reindeer

After Rudolf got bitten by a radioactive human, he gained the power of unlimited access to steroids. Seriously, this is quite possibly the absolute worst thing you could have done to a “Rudlof The Reindeer” costume!

18. Male Fever Rudolf Kini

Aaaaand I stand corrected!

17. Zombie Traffic Lady

“Braaaaaaains! Braaaaaaaaains! I mean, use your braaaaaaaaains, this is the children’s crossing! Careful!”

16. Pinky Pig

So many questions: Why does this pig have a human mouth? Why are its lifeless eyes boring straight into my soul? Why is it doing that weird “I’m riding an invisible motorcycle” mime?! Why is it wearing sneakers?! Why can I do nothing to stop these screams of terror pouring out of my mouth?!

15. Human Anatomy

“OK, class. As you can see, the tibialis anterior is located just below…Timmy, stop crying…just below the…stop crying, Timmy…below the fibularis longus, which is the…Timmy! I said stop crying!”

14. Waiter Skin Suit

“Some wine, sir? Riddle me this: What’s inside the glass on the left?”

“I don’t think I want to kn—”

“It’s my face.”

13. Jackie In The Box

This is actually a pretty cool concept, as long as you’re making that “I’ve just jumped out of the box” pose. However, the rest of the night must get kind of awkward. “For the thousand’s time: No, I’m not pregnant with SpongeBob SquarePants’s baby! Stop asking!”

12. Gangster Fat Cat

Say hello to my morbidly obese friend.

11. Stripper Kit

Epic douchey wink sold separately.

10. Baby Kit

Is that a doo-doo in your diaper, or are you just happy to…wait, don’t answer that.

9. Cereal Killer

“Whoa! Cereal Killer? What happened to that ‘Killer B‘ guy?”

“I killed him. He was having far too much…pun. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!”

8. Naked Grandma

Nothing gets the fun family conversation going like being vividly reminded of that time dementia made grandma do embarrassing things.

7. Mr. T Skin Suit

“I pity the fool who thinks my face looks like a Pikachu that swallowed a radish.”

6. Priest

You can’t spell “blasphemy” without “orgasmic blow-up doll sex.” Or maybe you can.

5. Shark Victim

Cyclops?! Nooooooooo! They always eat the best ones!

4. Kiss The Frog

I don’t get it. What does that mean? “Kiss the fr…” Oh! Ooooooh! Yeah, real subtle, dude. Why don’t you just go ahead and simply slap something like “blow me” on there.

3. Breathalyzer

Oh, for Dick’s sake! But hey, bonus points for finding a model with an uncannily appropriate facial expression.

2. Tree

“…kill…meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…I shouldn’t…exist…”

1. Rubik’s Cube

“Solve me now to see what’s inside the Rubik’s cube!”

“Is it your face?”

“Don’t be stupid, man. This is just a costume.”

Oh Denmark, you’re so cute!

October 30, 2013Daniel Nest 28 Comments

You all remember hurricane Sandy, right?

Well you probably don’t know this, but on Monday we here in Denmark celebrated Sandy’s one year anniversary by having a storm of our own.

Not just any storm, either – the worst storm in a decade!

Before you put on your panic hats (is that a thing?), relax. What’s considered “the worst storm” for Denmark is called a “Wednesday” in the Philippines.

That’s not to say there were no consequences. Two people died. Public transport was in shambles. It took me 4 hours to get home from work, instead of the usual 1 hour. Trees were uprooted and posters of politicians were torn down.

All in all, however, Denmark is back to functioning normally. We simply don’t get cataclysmic weather happenings here.

That reminds me. Did you know that we once had an earthquake in Denmark, too? We did. In 2008 an earthquake hit Sweden and decided to take a slight detour to Copenhagen to buy booze. Typical Swede.

The earthquake was 4,7 on Richter Scale when it hit Sweden. Do you want to know how bad it was once it got to Denmark? Let me tell you:

That’s me telling you stuff. You look so clueless!

It was around 6 in the morning and I was asleep. Suddenly, it felt like my bed started vibrating. My immediate reaction, of course, was to freak out and seek cover. Just kidding. My first and only thought was “Damn neighbours, why are they having a party this late/early?!”

With that I went back to sleep and slept until my alarm told me it was time to go to work. It was only when I got to the office and heard colleagues discussing the earthquake that I put two and two together (that’s four, by the way).

I remember the media making a pretty big deal out of it, too. There was an interview with a guy whose garden lamp fell over and broke. The interviewer, in all seriousness, was asking him detailed questions about the experience. The guy looked distressed and, while holding the broken lamp in his hands, said something along the lines of “You just don’t expect this kind of thing in Denmark!”

That’s true. You don’t expect any major catastrophes to happen in Denmark. Our disasters are little wannabe versions of their real equivalents.

And that’s, of course, a good thing. Let’s hope those wannabe versions never grow up.

As a bonus, here’s some BBC footage of what they refer to as “scenes of chaos” from the bad flooding we had in Denmark in 2011. WARNING: graphic content. Do not watch that video if you’re sensitive to any of the following:

Cars almost having to stop driving, due to too much water
People walking through water that reaches all the way up to their knees (!)
Clouds

That wasn’t for the faint of heart, was it? I hope you all survived the ordeal!

Where the fuck are your manners?!

April 18, 2013Daniel Nest 26 Comments

I may be the first one to utter this brave statement, but here goes:

“People should be considerate of each other.”

You can freely quote that revolutionary statement on Twitter, it’s on me.

Sure, it sounds obvious, yet the more I observe people lately the more I become convinced that many just don’t give a shit. In their minds they exist in the world populated by nobody else. Sort of like Will Smith in I Am Legend, only without the zombies.

I’ve been raised to always be polite to others. Stuff like “giving place to an older person on the bus”, “opening doors for women” and “not throwing feces at strangers” are second nature to me. I don’t say it in a “look at how awesome I am” way (although I am, indeed, awesome). It’s just that I’m hardwired to have manners.

Here in Denmark I’ve actually had to tone down some of my polite behaviour. Sometimes it was considered fake, as if I was trying way too hard to “pretend” to be nice. Occasionally women would even get outright offended, because I dared to question their self-sufficiency with my offer of holding doors for them or carrying heavy objects. Listen, I’m all for it. “All the women, independent, throw your hands up in the air, clap your feet like you just don’t care and do the Macarena” (I’m a bit foggy on the exact Destiny’s Child lyrics).

Bodoland India Women Girls Dancing Ceremonial

Exhibit A: Independent Women

Thing is, it seems this has deteriorated to the point where everybody is so independent that they stop caring about how their actions affect others. That’s not being independent, that’s being a selfish prick. So for those people who forgot how to co-exists with others, I’ve devised this handy guide for common social situations. If you’re already a considerate person, think of this as a refresher. Also, keep being awesome. If you’re one of the selfish pricks, you’ve probably gone off in search of a site that doesn’t chastise you.

It’s OK, we’ll just laugh at you behind your back.

1. Buses (trains, metro, tandem bikes) are not only for you

You’ll probably find it hard to believe, but your backpack does not have feelings. It won’t be offended if you don’t reserve a seat for it. It will be just as comfortable on your lap as it would be on an otherwise empty seat next to you. You know who may want to use the seat? Hint: the answer rhymes with “other people”, because it is, in fact, “other people”.

So cut that shit out. Stop sitting by the aisle, blocking others and reserving the empty window seat for your invisible friend Bob. Stop putting your shit on the seat next to you, just to carve out some of that “personal space”. If you want “personal space”, go live in a cage.

2. Doors just want to be held

Most doors are designed to be closed when not being actively held open. They are also solid objects, which makes it difficult for people walking behind you to walk through them. Holding them for someone is the easiest way to tell them “I’m not an asshole”. Try it.

On the flip side, if someone’s holding the door for you, here are helpful tips on making them not want to murder you:

a) Avoid strolling through the door they are holding for you, without offering to take over or even acknowledging their existence. They are legally allowed to put a gypsy curse on your whole family if you do. Look it up.

b) Do make an effort to speed up if you have some distance to close. That way you’ll get some exercise and show appreciation for another human being’s politeness. It’s a 2-for-1 deal you rarely see outside of discount supermarket chains.

c) A smile and a “thanks” is in order. If you can’t muster the energy to move your jaw or are mute, a simple nod will work. If you are physically unable to nod, you may want to take a trip to the doctor instead of walking through doors like some kind of a door-walking-person-thing. I’ll work on my imagery if you promise to work on not being a shitty person.

3. People are not walk-through

Until teleportation technology is perfected, we’ll have to stick to the old fashioned “moving through empty space” method to get somewhere. If you’re blocking the only exit route from a train with your body, people won’t be able to exit the train. Interestingly, you won’t be able to enter the train, because none of you are ghosts.

You would think that simply understanding the laws of physics would help you get this fact. Yet somehow the Danish transportation authorities found it necessary to actually film an instructional video on how to properly make space for people exiting a train. If you were ever wondering why they did that, it’s because of you. You have made them waste money on this instead of making trains run properly. You suck in so many ways.

Equally, this doesn’t stop being true after you exit the train. If there are people exiting the train behind you and you stop immediately outside the exit to check your phone or scout for birds, they are legally allowed to trample you and then put a gypsy curse on your whole family. Truly I speak the truth, verily.

___________________________________________________

I think I should start working on a series of instructional and motivational books. I feel I’m born to do this, don’t you think? What about you, what are your pet peeves of late? Have you ever tried walking through other people to see what happens?

I don’t know!

March 21, 2013Daniel Nest 26 Comments

This week’s challenge at Dude Write is to tell an embarrassing true story, but keep it under 1500 characters.

That’s around 200-300 words.

Damnit, but I like my words!

Anyways, here we go:

I moved to Denmark from Ukraine at the age of 14. I spoke no Danish at the time, because Russian and Danish languages are a bit different. Shocking, I know.

I did learn one phrase though. That phrase was “Det ved jeg ikke”, Danish for “I don’t know”. From that point on I used that phrase liberally to get out of all conversations. I was exactly 4% more eloquent than Hodor from Game Of Thrones, who only ever says “Hodor”.

One day I was on a bus, when a kindergarten teacher with 10 children in tow got on. She took all the kids to the back of the bus where I sat and started saying something to me.

I countered with my perfectly rehearsed “Det ved jeg ikke”.

Suddenly, the woman looked very upset and, in an angry voice, said “Det ved du ikke?!” (“du” is “you” in Danish).

I shook my head “no”, puzzled by her violent reaction to my poor Danish skills. How could I have upset her so much with my limited vocabulary?

Then she grabbed one of the kids, sat down sulkily next to me, and plopped the kid onto her lap. She kept glancing at me and shaking her head in frustration.

It was only after a few stops that I’d managed to piece the puzzle together in my head. She must have asked me whether I could move to another seat, so that she could sit down together with all the kids. When I said “I don’t know” she heard “I will not“.

Fun fact: “vil” (will) and “ved” (know) sound remarkably similar.

So I have effectively told her and the kids to go screw themselves.

Class act, Daniel.

Nest Digest: “Stressing over dressing”

February 19, 2013Daniel Nest 11 Comments

We’re back with another installment of Nest Digest.

Quick recap for those new to Nest Digest series:

Denmark is a quiet place, therefore a mouse finding a piece of cheese is usually considered news of national importance. During the many slow news days I collect front page articles from Denmark’s two free newspapers – MetroXpress and 24Timer. I then bring you this urgent news, because the world must know!

Today I only have one headline for you, but it’s a good one. This, my friends, was the main front page headline of today’s 24timer newspaper:

Translation: “Watch out: Dressing can make you stressed“

You’re probably thinking: “OK, Daniel, this is actually pretty legitimate news. If scientists have just discovered an ingredient in our salad dressing that can decrease our body’s stress tolerance, then it’s pretty vital for us to know. We should be alerted of these kinds of shenanigans by dressing manufacturers!”

Oh, you poor misled soul. Not only do you use silly words like “shenanigans”, you also have missed the point of this story entirely. This isn’t about dressing physically making you ill. This is about health-conscious people stressing over their food choices after buying dressing.

No, really.

So say one day Søren Stressensen goes out to buy himself some nice vegetables to make a salad. He figures, “Hey, you know what’s good with salad? Salad dressing!” (Søren’s smart). So he picks up some salad dressing to go with those delicious tomatoes, spinach and marinated plums (Søren’s disgusting).

However, when he gets home, something happens to Søren. He can no longer sleep, he cannot eat, all he can do is agonize over buying that damn dressing. He should have known better. He knew dressing wasn’t good for him, but he bought it anyways. That night Søren is permanently confined to a mental institution, his last human words being: “Dressing kills! Free Tibet! Also, barbarabarlabaBRABA!”.

OK so I’m exaggerating a bit (Søren doesn’t actually know of Tibet). But the newspaper really wants us to believe it’s a major issue plaguing Denmark. They have dedicated two whole pages inside the newspaper to the issue of dressing stress, complete with consumer interviews, related stories and expert opinions.

I must admit that, on some level, I’m quite impressed by the Danish media’s ability to turn anything into a story. I think I’ll go pitch them an article about this sandwich I once ate…

19 WTF Danish Halloween costumes

October 25, 2012Daniel Nest 38 Comments

Halloween is upon us!

For some, it means dressing up as Ironman, going trick-or-treating, binge eating bags of candy, and passing out from sugar overdose. For others, it means dressing up as a naughty nurse or sexy fireman, binge drinking bottles of liquor, and passing out from alcohol overdose…

And then there are those who look at all the Ironman, naughty nurse, and sexy fireman costumes and think “Nah, this is way too sane for my taste! I need a way to tell the world that I’m unstable, unpredictable, and likely a future serial killer. But, like, in a fun way!”

That final group is in luck, for today I talk exclusively about Halloween costumes with a solid “WTF” factor. I’m not the first or the last person to comment on bizarre Halloween costumes. I am, however, one of the few to focus on the lucrative Danish market niche.

The atrocities listed below were found by looking exclusively at online stores in Denmark. These Halloween costumes may or may not be available in your country, which should make you either upset or immensely, indescribably relieved. I bet it’s the latter.

19. Work Out

The site describes it as a “sexy fitness costume.” Apparently, “sexy” is code for “having Super Mario’s face forever trapped in your crotch.”

18. Blow-Up Witch

Something tells me you’re gonna need a much bigger broomstick, mam…wait, sir?!

17. Adam

What do you mean by “where’s your Eve”? I’m dressed as Adam! Adam—my eccentric ballet-dancing neighbour with nipple warts.

16. Count Duckula

Finally, a Halloween costume that successfully combines two completely incompatible things: a purple coat and a red bow tie!

15. Jesus Costume

Jesus Christ!

14. Zebra Morphsuit

“Hey guys, what’s up?!”

“OH MY GOD THAT ZEBRA IS TALKING TO US! AAAAAAARGH! SOMEBODY SHOOT IT!”

“Dude, calm down, it’s just my Halloween costume.”

“Wow! Whoa! You totally got me! That costume is so damn lifelike!”

13. Killer B

“Ha! I’m a killer, and I’ve got the letter ‘B’ on me. I’m ‘Killer B.’ ‘Killer Bee’! Get it?! It’s a pun! Hilarious! Ha! Haha! HAHAHAHAHHA! No seriously though, I’ll chop your head right the fuck off, don’t fuck with me!”

12. Bananawoman

It’s a mango…it’s a lemon…it’s Bananawoman—the most nonexistent superhero ever!

11. Morphsuit Orange

It’s either a carrot or a urinary tract infection patient. Or maybe a carrot with urinary tract infection. That’s the beauty of this Halloween costume—it’s so versatile.

10. Top Shelf

Nice rack! No, I mean, nice shelf. Top! Top shelf! Dammit.

9. Penguin Skinsuit

This actually gets credit for looking far more terrifying than Count Duckula ever could. Bonus points for using the same red bow tie.

8. Bugs Bunny

OK, this kind of costume works great when it makes you look like Bugs Bunny. It works far worse when you appear to be wearing Bugs Bunny’s skin as a trophy while brandishing his severed head atop of yours with a smug, triumphant expression on your face.

7. Condom

This costume faithfully recreates the look of a standard condom, complete with limbs, red speedos, and a V-neck. Then again, I sincerely doubt this Halloween costume would be improved by making it more realistic.

6. The Invisible Cat

The costume is aptly named “The Invisible Cat,” because indeed no cat is visible in that picture. The cat, along with all other lifeforms, has been devoured by the humanoid embodiment of the Devil pictured above.

5. Cockroach

I love how this guy is so in character. This is his absolute best “grumpy cockroach” impression. It’s like he studied cockroaches all his life, so that today he could finally shine. Hats off to you, sir!

4. Dancing Flower

At almost every Halloween party, there’s an obnoxious douchebag with a guitar and an idiot in a tacky plant suit. Rarely are these two the same guy.

3. Disco Dracula

Dracula in his young, hip, party days and long before his tragic transformation into a duck.

2. Cannabis

Funnily enough, the cannabis plant is the only one in this picture with enough sense of shame to appear embarrassed by this whole situation.

1. The Well Hung Scotsman

The surprising thing about this Halloween costume is that the penis isn’t a part of it. That poor model has no luck getting any Disney gigs!

Promotions? No thanks!

May 7, 2012Daniel Nest 14 Comments

So we’ve got this thing here in Denmark where supermarkets and other places send promotional catalogues to your house ever day. Have you ever heard of this phenomenon? Yeah, pretty revolutionary stuff.

The good news is you can opt out of getting these leaflets. The bad news is that it’s a bit of a hassle.

First, you have to fill out and submit an online application. Then it gets processed and approved. Then you get a special sticker sent to your address, with “Promotions – no thanks!” on it. You then attach this sticker to your mailbox and you’re promotion-free…for two years. Then you have to get a new sticker. Also, if you move to a new address you can’t just take the sticker with you. You have to apply anew and receive another one.

The way above is actually the easy one. If you’re not comfortable with them Internets and the webs and filling out online applications you’ll have to go to a post office in person. There you’ll fill out a physical application form, show them your ID, solve an IQ puzzle and then submit a sample of your blood for verification. OK, so I’ve made the last two up, but it’s still an inconvenient process.

“That’s great sir. Now if you could just sign here and recite ‘War and Peace’ for me we’re good to go!”

Today I carefully considered this state of affairs and came to the following realisation: this is bullshit! Why do we have to “opt out” of getting unwanted crap in our mail? Why is the default choice “Yes, please stuff 10+ brochures into my mailbox on a daily basis”?!

Sure, there are some people who love to browse through offers every day and maybe a few hardcore origami enthusiasts who could always use the extra paper. However, I’m quite confident that the vast majority of us don’t consider carrying stacks of paper from our mailboxes to recycling bins a fun pastime.

Unsolicited marketing material is universally considered a bad thing. That’s why junk mail filters exist in the online world and why telemarketers have such a bad rep. So why should we have to go through a bureaucratic process to be spared the promotional junk in our mailboxes?

Seriously, we don’t accept this in most other situations. It’s not like my bus driver punches me in the face every morning, unless I’m carrying a pre-approved “Don’t punch my face, please” card on me. The garbage man doesn’t build elaborate trash-bag snowmen and leave them outside my door until I explicitly opt out of this service.

“Here’s your pizza! Do you want me to spit in it, or did you apply for our ‘spit-free’ membership?”

Call me crazy, but I’d expect things to work the other way round. (Side note: please don’t call me crazy, I’ve got self-esteem issues). So here’s what I suggest: nobody gets any promotional mail, unless they fill out an application and ask for it. Everybody wins.

The postman has less crap to carry and can focus on legitimate letters instead. I don’t have to learn how to build puppets out of home made papier-mâché. The rainforests get destroyed at a slightly slower pace. Supermarkets don’t have to print as many brochures and sell as many produ…yeah OK, so not everybody wins.

What do you think? Am I being unreasonable? How’s the situation with promotional mail where you’re at? Will you leave a comment or am I talking to myself? I’m not crazy, am I? AM I?!

Spring is here…not

April 9, 2012Daniel Nest 8 Comments

You may recall that I’ve complained about Danish weather before. On several occasions. It’s kind of a hobby of mine. Complaining in general is pretty neat, but bad weather is that one universally acceptable topic to complain about. It unites people across cultures and continents. It ends wars and turns villains into heroes. What’s that? No bad weather has ever done that? Well, that wasn’t my point anyway! I don’t even know what my point was, but that wasn’t it.

This year spring in Denmark has been especially bad. With the exception of a few odd warm and sunny days, we’ve seen rain and clouds throughout most of March. Until finally…

…Saturday has treated us to this:

That white flicker you’re seeing is not film grain. I’m using a digital camera, because it’s the 21st century and we have those now. What you’re seeing is snow. In April.

This may be nothing unusual in places like the North Pole, but I’m used to seeing a bit fewer frozen water particles in April.

How’s the weather where you are? Are you sunbathing or ice-skating? Or a twisted combination of both?